The Butterfly Diaries

How do you pretend that a lifetime spent with someone has vanished? That it never existed? 
With my children’s father this option doesn’t exist, so there is little conversation.

With my partner of nearly 20 years, this would seem to be an option. But is it? There are those that love me that would rather I dont speak of him or perhaps I should say they don’t want me to speak of him at all.

Twenty years of my life — I’m to forget, lock away and never speak of? 

It wasn’t perfect, and I need to preface with the fact that I don’t miss him or miss having him in my life. That is not to say that there aren’t moments that I do miss. There was absolutely good in those years, and I do miss those at times.
I mostly miss the moments when I was really vulnerable, and he scooped me up and didn’t ever once make me feel ashamed for it. If I needed help, he knew sometimes before I did and made helping seem easy and natural.

I don’t however miss the moments when he was critical or how I worried about when he would no longer find me attractive – because I knew he would be gone. I never spoke about this, but I always knew deep down the time would come. The good moments felt worth the risk at the time. The ability to love unconditionally seemed to escape him at times, and I’m not sure where that came from as his family is unconditionally loving warm and kind. Perhaps the entertainment industry and its superficiality had an impact.
It wouldn’t be surprising as he’s been an entertainer since he was four years old.
We came from different worlds he and I. I grew up in an abusive, poverty-stricken home. He had a loving family, and though his parents were divorced, both of them loved him dearly.
I never really felt the love of family like he had.

When I speak of his kindnesses, my daughter reminds me that this is just what people do for one another. I then remind her of how kindness was such a rare occurrence in my life prior to that point which I guess is why it meant so very much. When he was no longer kind and even going so far as to become unkind to me, I needed him gone from me and out of my life. All of these events are part of my life – part of my story. I wouldn’t be who I am without them.

All of us are changed by others we share our lives with. For good or bad, our strengths and weaknesses are shaped by those that came before. I learned many things from him, both good and bad, and I wouldn’t be who I am without having had him in my life. The relationship is over; however, the memories remain. I am grateful for the lessons he taught me. I’m grateful that I can now see the relationship in the rear view and not be chained by anger and bitterness. I am grateful that I can remember the good without longing to hold on. This story, our story is just that now. There was no happy ending but are endings ever happy? This chapter of my life is closed. I’m living a new chapter now. Just like all of the stories of my life, they are my stories to tell and I will tell them.

Recently, I purchased my very first appliance since I’ve been living alone. This doesn’t seem to be a big accomplishment in life — but for me perhaps, it’s symbolic.

I remember buying my first refrigerator with my then husband. We bought it from a local company in the scratch-and-dent section. We were young and didn’t have much money. But, I think that fridge outlasted our marriage of 16-ish years.

The next set of appliances I purchased were for a home that I shared with someone I was living with. We had been living in a place with appliances; however, with a raise in rent it was decided we move to something more practical. The only problem was that appliances weren’t included. We went together and picked out a refrigerator, dishwasher and stove. Mind you, I was a single mom who made a fraction of what my partner did at the time, and I said I would purchase the appliances. There was no argument — just a simple ok, and I had a credit card of debt while still paying half the rent and utilities. I wanted a gas stove, but since there was no hookup, I was forced to have an electric stove for the first time in my life! I hated it at first but learned to live with it — again, maybe this was perhaps symbolic.

The stove I bought for us many, many years ago began to fail around the same time as our relationship. We tried to repair the stove several times — the most recent in 2018. This stove, even on its last leg, would still outlive our relationship.

So fast forward…and all men are gone. I’m currently living in the house I bought on my own and recently replaced that electric stove that I was never really happy with. And I bought a gas stove!!! It is my first appliance purchase without having to consider anyone but myself. I never thought I’d find myself alone at this point, and it can be somewhat sad at times, but at this point, it’s rather liberating!

The first time you came on my radar was maybe more than a month or so ago. I was meeting a friend for dinner at a restaurant. The one where you and I hung out at for many years. I hadn’t been there in more than a year or even possibly two years, but it was a nice day, and my friend and I decided to meet there.

I arrived shortly before her and saw some other friends that I hadn’t seen in some time. One of them had told me I just missed you and that you weren’t with your girlfriend. I thought it was odd in the moment but didn’t give it further thought.

A few weeks later, a friend asked me to meet him there for happy hour — so I did. I sat down with my puppy waiting for him and I saw you sitting alone a few tables over. I don’t think you noticed that I saw you because I wouldn’t look directly your way. I saw you checking me out. And yes, I looked good in my sundress and heels; I’m so glad you noticed. My friend eventually came, and you noticed him too. I’ll assume that you thought he was my date. I know you’ve met him before when we were together, but it’s likely you don’t remember. We greeted with a hug and then sat down. I noticed you turned your chair around so that your back was to us after that. Did it sting seeing me with another man? I noticed you left shortly after. 

I began hearing from friends that they had been seeing you there several times a week — always alone. This seemed a little odd, but I know you golf locally and maybe you were just stopping by afterward. When I met my happy-hour buddy for his birthday, it was after 7 p.m., and there you were. Alone. I realized you weren’t really coming from golf, and now I was getting a different picture of the situation.

When I came in, I saw you and deliberately sat with my back to you. My friend came and you left shortly after. Once you were gone, friends there approached me. One said you were asking about me, and the other went as far as to say that you have regrets.

Would that make a difference?

The answer was and still is no. She said we were so good together, and I replied “yes we were, once.” And we really were…but you stepped outside of our relationship when I needed you most. 

I saw an old friend this week at my neighbor’s, and she said she saw you at the same place again…alone. She asked you about your girlfriend, and you said things weren’t going so well, and that you are renting a place in the area. 

Are you trying to run into me? We have travelled in the same circles for nearly two decades – so it’s not hard to do. 

What are you looking for? Hoping for? Are you looking to apologize? Are you hoping we can be friends? 

I’m not interested in reconciliation or even friendship. Actually, seeing you for the first time since our split was incredible because I honestly felt absolutely nothing. I’m no longer angry, sad or even hurt.
I am actually happier and healthier than I have been in years. So, whatever it is you’re looking for — please do not look to me.

It’s funny.

Through the rearview mirror, I can see things more clearly. I think often about the amount of time that I spent in relationships without thought or even speaking of our futures together. While there is something to be said about living in the moment, it just seems like this is something that those in a loving committed relationship would maybe or even should do. I spent so much time showing how independent and strong I am and how I was fine on my own while sharing myself, my heart and my home with them. But, perhaps I was choosing partners unavailable to me in some way or another.

Two of my partners, were and as far as I know, are still married — and I’d say that’s pretty unavailable. I feel as though I was always trying to prove myself so that they would see me as worthy of a future with them. Not once did I think maybe it should’ve been the other way around.

I never gave too much thought about why I was in this pattern. Abused and abandoned as a child…was that the reason? Choosing over and over patterns of having to prove my worth? Proving that I’m worthy of unconditional love? Hoping to be enough.

What I didn’t understand was that I was absolutely worthy of unconditional love simply because I’m worth it. We are all worth it. And I am enough just as I am. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone anymore. 

Accepting lies and spins on the truth were things I reluctantly accepted in the past. No more.
I have reached a place in my life where I will no longer share myself or my heart in this manner. I am in a place now where I prefer my own company.

I have been really struggling with social distancing. I miss seeing my family, my daughter, grandkids (though we have done some FaceTime) and even Summer, their amazing German Shepard. I miss my gym so much! I miss getting up way too early and seeing my gym-mates faces — making snarky comments and faces that only they get.

What I don’t miss is the bond of my family or my gym-mates because we are all still connected. I’m typically a social person; however, I have the capacity to be withdrawn and to get inside my own head. My friends and family know this about me and have been checking in on me. It means so much to me to have those I love reach out to me when they know I’m not really capable of asking.

B Well Nation has been a gift to me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. They have seen me struggle many times and never once let me feel ashamed! They let me feel normal when my life was anything but. As I struggle with quarantine, they reach out and encourage ME personally. I took a class online today and that may seem like a simple thing to do, but it was so far from simple. I’m going to keep pressing onward through this. And I am so grateful for every one of you ❤️

That Girl

I’ve become “that girl”. You know, the insecure girl – the one that drives us all crazy! Where I was once confident, now lurks doubt and insecurity. You wouldn’t guess it to look at me; I appear pretty confident. But what you don’t see, and what I am afraid to admit is that I have doubts about my self-worth.

I’m not unattractive, and I’m crazy independent. I am generous with my love, my money and myself, yet I am haunted with thoughts of not being good enough. It’s ridiculous really. Can I truly allow myself to believe I could be loved fully, completely and utterly? Will I always have thoughts that maybe all romantic love is temporary. Is he looking at others maybe in hopes of finding someone younger, someone smarter, prettier or perhaps better behaved? Am I doubting him or even perhaps punishing him for crimes he didn’t commit?

Or maybe it’s that I’m actually punishing myself for crimes I didn’t commit. I once believed lies because I thought they were beautiful, and I wanted them to be the truth. How can I trust myself again? And if I can’t trust myself, how can I possibly trust another?

Lies destroy trust, and this includes the lies we tell ourselves.

Everything is temporary.

This is a life truth I learned early on. The fact is — nothing lasts forever, and perhaps, that’s part of the beauty of life. Losing those we love teaches us how fleeting moments are. We learn to love big, hug long and live in the moment.
And I think we learn from losses, whether in death or relationships, to appreciate the small moments so much more. I know I do. 

We have all experienced great loss, and it’s in these experiences that we hopefully learn to hold one another tighter. We learn to show our love like a bright light in the dark in hopes of lighting the way for someone who needs it — to show them that though life will never be the same, it can still be sweet.

Joy and pain are not exclusive of one another. The pain of loss is intertwined with joy we once had with those now gone from us. Hold your loved ones tight. Tell them you love them. Be generous with your time, your compliments, your love and yourself. We don’t always get a second chance and know everything is temporary — except for love.

To my daughter…

You are turning 35! I remember your tiny pale 8 pound little self in my arms. I remember holding you just days/weeks old and feeling so scared.

I wanted better for you than the life I’d had. Was I capable of protecting you? I had no idea.

I would need to make it up as I went along because I had no real role models. I tried to help you grow & it wasn’t always easy for us.

I was tough on you . I expected so much from you because in my mind you were capable of so very much. Was this fair? I’m not sure.

You and I have been through so much together. I cannot express to you how proud I am of the amazing daughter, wife, mother, friend, human, writer & editor you are.

I’m so very grateful to have been given the gift of you. The world is a brighter place because you are in it.

Enough. Just two syllables and yet such an elusive word. What is enough? Do we ever have enough? Enough time, enough love, enough money? Do we ever feel as though we are enough?

And then…there is the flip-side. When have we had enough? Enough heartache, enough of being taken advantage of, enough betrayal, enough lies?