I have been doing some research recently. Soul searching even – to find the reason I struggle with relationships. In a previous relationship, I had asked why his past relationship didn’t work out, and he mentioned co-dependency. I didn’t give it much thought at the time; however, once I started unpacking, I took a hard look at myself.

Co-dependency is trauma based – so, I had that going for me. The care taking, the inability to ask for help even when needed, and the extreme independence are all routed in childhood trauma. So, I did further research – which is now a work in progress.

Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) mentioned in her book that Freud said we pick partners like our parent of the opposite sex. She also mentioned more recent research that shows when we grow up in dysfunctional families, we tend to pick partners much like the parent we have unfinished business with.

This got my full attention. Unfinished business….

My mother and I would never finish our business. I need to finish this myself without her help. Even when she was alive, she either couldn’t or wouldn’t help me. She wouldn’t protect me and would often turn things around on me. 

Opposite sex relationships for me are much the same —reenacting the unavailability, the striving to prove myself and take care of them first and putting myself second.

God forbid I be vulnerable enough to say I need help. I could never afford to depend on her. It was much too dangerous. She didn’t have my best interest at heart. It was always about her — or was it my stepfather? Perhaps a mix of both. And I was party to it. Though I don’t blame myself, as I was only a child, and I didn’t know anything else. I am older and wiser now, so I’m digging in the dirt to figure this out.