It’s funny.

Through the rearview mirror, I can see things more clearly. I think often about the amount of time that I spent in relationships without thought or even speaking of our futures together. While there is something to be said about living in the moment, it just seems like this is something that those in a loving committed relationship would maybe or even should do. I spent so much time showing how independent and strong I am and how I was fine on my own while sharing myself, my heart and my home with them. But, perhaps I was choosing partners unavailable to me in some way or another.

Two of my partners, were and as far as I know, are still married — and I’d say that’s pretty unavailable. I feel as though I was always trying to prove myself so that they would see me as worthy of a future with them. Not once did I think maybe it should’ve been the other way around.

I never gave too much thought about why I was in this pattern. Abused and abandoned as a child…was that the reason? Choosing over and over patterns of having to prove my worth? Proving that I’m worthy of unconditional love? Hoping to be enough.

What I didn’t understand was that I was absolutely worthy of unconditional love simply because I’m worth it. We are all worth it. And I am enough just as I am. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone anymore. 

Accepting lies and spins on the truth were things I reluctantly accepted in the past. No more.
I have reached a place in my life where I will no longer share myself or my heart in this manner. I am in a place now where I prefer my own company.