A year ago my mother died. Her death was sudden and came as a bit of a shock as she had lived with AND had survived many serious health issues over the years. It’s actually difficult for me to think of a time when she was healthy.

I was estranged from my mother when she passed. We had not spoken in several years and hadn’t seen each other in even more. Estrangement from one’s mother is a serious thing and for me it didn’t happen overnight. It took most of my adult life to get healthy enough and brave enough to let her go.

Friends and loved ones worried that I would regret my decision when she died. The thoughts were along the line of, “Are you sure?” They thought maybe we could have that fairy tale where estranged loved ones re-unite and see the error of their way type of thing. Trust me that shit is for the Hallmark Channel & was never going to happen for me.

I spent years trying to hold on to her and to let go of her. I realized what I was holding on to was the hope that one day she would see the light. The letting go was the knowledge deep inside that it was not to be, and the tricky part was trying not to blame myself.

You see I thought there was something integrally wrong with me. I held a lot of blame and shame as a result. But as I became to see the relationship I had with my daughter unfold over the years, it taught me a lot. I know if my daughter wanted to put distance between us, or if I felt I had somehow hurt her, I would move heaven and earth to make it right. Whatever that type of love or instinct that is, my mother lacked it for me.

I loved my mother & I still do. I did say goodbye to her while- not in death but while she was living. She didn’t fight for me or for our relationship she simply slipped away. I had lost my mother many years ago and she took pieces of myself with her. I do not regret our estrangement-but what I do regret is never having felt my mother’s love.